113 replies to this topic

[DaveJay]

A guy walks into a bar wearing a set of jumper leads as a tie.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything!"

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender says "what's up with the steering wheel in your pants? "
The guy says "I dunno, it was there when I woke up and it's been driving me nuts all day! "

A guy runs into a bar in a frantic state.
"Quick, give me a double scotch before the trouble starts!"
He downs it in one swallow.
"Quickly man, two more, hurry up!"
He downs them in two swallows.
"Quick, hit me with another couple before the trouble starts!"
The bartender quickly pours two more and says "what's going on mate, what's this trouble you're talking about? "
The guy gulps them down quick as a flash, steps back and says...
"I haven't got any money!"

[Major]

A guy walks into a bar wearing a set of jumper leads as a tie.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you'd better not start anything!"
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel poking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender says "what's up with the steering wheel in your pants? "
The guy says "I dunno, it was there when I woke up and it's been driving me nuts all day! "
A guy runs into a bar in a frantic state.
"Quick, give me a double scotch before the trouble starts!"
He downs it in one swallow.
"Quickly man, two more, hurry up!"
He downs them in two swallows.
"Quick, hit me with another couple before the trouble starts!"
The bartender quickly pours two more and says "what's going on mate, what's this trouble you're talking about? "
The guy gulps them down quick as a flash, steps back and says...
"I haven't got any money!"

Haha!

[Major]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

[DaveJay]

These two nuts were walking down an alley late last night, one was a salted.

[DaveJay]

Did you hear about the gynecologist that got arrested while visiting the town he grew up in?
He was trying to look up a few old girlfriends.

Edited by DaveJay, November 20 2018 - 2:42 AM.

[DaveJay]

A war horse walks into a bar, the bartender says..
"Why the long film?!!!"

[drtrmiller]

Not a joke, but a REALLY funny Amazon review for "Black Cleaner Beetles"
 

https://amzn.to/2Xfn13Q

Edited by drtrmiller, April 15 2019 - 3:14 AM.

[TheMicroPlanet]

What's a ponerine's favorite restaurant?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ponera Bread

[RushmoreAnts]

 

OR

 

 

GET IT RIGHT, GOOGLE

Edited by AntsDakota, January 6 2020 - 4:16 PM.

[NickAnter]

     A young polar bear asks his mom, "Are you a polar bear?"  She responds, "Yes"  He replies, "Does that make me a polar bear"  "Yes" says his mother.  He asks his dad the same thing.  He gets the same answers.  On the fifth day of asking this, he asks, "Does that make me a polar bear",  "Yes" is the reply.  "Than why am I so darn cold!!"

[mbullock42086]

I once told a skeleton a good joke- he found it rather humerus

[TheMicroPlanet]

Kid: Mom, can I have a colonial empire?

Mom: We have a colonial empire at home.

Colonial empire at home:

 

ahhhhhh, history

Edited by TheMicroPlanet, May 17 2020 - 8:53 AM.

[NickAnter]

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game issued a warning to all outdoorsmen due to the rise in bear attacks.

 

It read as follows:

 

All hikers, fishermen, and hunters should take extra caution when outdoors to avoid startling a bear and causing an attack. We first advice that all wear little bells so as to not startle the bear at such a short distance. Everyone should also carry pepper spray to ward off bear attacks. Always be aware of bear activity, such as bear scat. Grizzly bears are very different from black bears, and it is important to know the difference between the scat. Black bear scat usually has a large amount of berries in it, while grizzly bear poo has lots of little bells, and smells like pepper.

[antsriondel]

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game issued a warning to all outdoorsmen due to the rise in bear attacks.

 

It read as follows:

 

All hikers, fishermen, and hunters should take extra caution when outdoors to avoid startling a bear and causing an attack. We first advice that all wear little bells so as to not startle the bear at such a short distance. Everyone should also carry pepper spray to ward off bear attacks. Always be aware of bear activity, such as bear scat. Grizzly bears are very different from black bears, and it is important to know the difference between the scat. Black bear scat usually has a large amount of berries in it, while grizzly bear poo has lots of little bells, and smells like pepper.

Wow, did not see that coming!  Great job!