113 replies to this topic

[dermy]

Here is a short one:

 

"You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family"

[Trailandstreet]

a short musician joke:

 

"Two musicians walk past a bar!"

[Crystals]

I was talking with a co-worker, and he said his friend was showing their 8yr old a floppy disk he had found while cleaning.

The kid took it, turns it over and goes "wow, they 3D printed the save button!"

[Crystals]

Tales from a University teacher:

She taught a physics class in university.  When it can time to create an exam, she would hand her 4 year old son the scantron sheet before she wrote the exam up.  She let him color whatever lettered bubble he wanted for each answer and would put the correct answer there.  If he colored 2 by accident, she made an “all of the above option”.  One time she gave it to him and he colored the “A” bubble for each of the 130 questions, except for the second last one and she just went with it.

 

She later said that it had been one of the most entertaining exams she had ever watched her students take.

[Crystals]

Happy Star Wars Day!  (May 4th)

 

 

 

 

[Kwitzats]

Via-Alex Wild

Dung beetle walks into a bar.





The bartender says, pull up a stool.

[Crystals]

[Crystals]

I think I really have to try this one day...

 

[Canadian anter]

Splitting a cookie into 3 quarters.

Think about life 31/7 because I also think about it when I sleep.

If I'm cooler than you, You're hotter than me.

[Canadian anter]

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
 
Why didn't Fu go?

that's 4 people

[Rattus]

How'd you call a man/woman who's dancing to a swing music?  A swinger!

[LC3]

3 nails walked into a bar...

 

 

..They ended up getting hammered.

[Canadian anter]

3 nails walked into a bar...
 
 
..They ended up getting hammered.

Dermy walks into a café....

[Canadian anter]

Air Line Stories from West Jet
 
West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta (Canada). West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
------------ --------- --- 
On landing, the  stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If  you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd  like to have.' 
------------ --------- --- 
'There may be 50 ways to  leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
------------ --------- ----  
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,  a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care  when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.' 
------------ --------- -- 
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with  our compliments. ' 
------------ --------- -- 
'As you exit the  plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.' 
------------ --------- ------ 
Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina ,on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and  Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!' 
------------ --------- --------- 
Another flight  attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'  
------------ --------- 
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would  have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a  little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I  ask you a question?' 
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'  
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'  
------------ ------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax  , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to  a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'  
------------ --------- -- 
Part of a flight attendant's arrival  announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the  skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet  Airways.' 
------------ --------- -- 
Heard on a West Jet Airline  flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' 
------------ --------- -- 
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop  from WinnipegtoMontreal .. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we  should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!' 
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain  came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight  attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should  see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

Somwthing like this actually happened to me, It was time to close the lights and a flight attendant xommented"now to enchance my looks, we will now dim the lights"

[Crystals]

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

 

“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
“Grandma! Please just stay away from my laptop!!!”

 

[CallMeCraven]

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

 

“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
“Grandma! Please just stay away from my laptop!!!”

70% of statistics are made up anyways .

[Canadian anter]

When I won the formicarium draw, my friend said that Crystals chose me because shipping to the US would be too troublesome.

[Enderz]

Who do you call a discount dermy? Canadian Anter

[Nathant2131]

Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on it's own? A: It was two tired

[CallMeCraven]

Silly 

Edited by CallMeCraven, December 29 2016 - 1:45 PM.