113 replies to this topic

[Crystals]

This is a place you can post clean jokes. 

[Crystals]

You know you're in Florida in mid-summer when:

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

You burn your hand opening the car door.

The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater.

You can make instant sun tea.

Shade determines the best parking space, not distance.

When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

[Crystals]

An elderly couple were sitting in a church service. Halfway through the woman leans over to speak. She whispers to her husband, "I've just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" Her husband whispers back, "you should replace the battery in your hearing aide!"

[Alza]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

I used to be a banker but I lost interest

 

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.

 

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

[Crystals]

As the mother was making the daughters sandwich the daughter asked, "Mommy why do you have some white hair?" The Mother replied "Every time you do something bad I get a white hair." The daughter replied "Then you must of did a whole lot of bad because Grandma's hair is all white."

[Crystals]

Here is one that a co-worker shared with me.

 

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all,
"Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he said, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."

He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

[Crystals]

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

[Alza]

those are...some long jokes you got there 

[Crystals]

 A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that worthless monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[Crystals]

 A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee, "Why do you ask?"
The boss replied, "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

[Crystals]

Notes from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..............

[Crystals]

How smart is your right foot?

 

Lift your foot off the floor and move it in clockwise circles.

Now while doing this, raise your right hand and sketch a "6" in the air.

 

Your foot will change direction.  

[DesertAntz]

I just watched a Bill Burr special. There are no clean jokes in my mind. 

[Gregory2455]

Borrow one from Crystals. 

[Crystals]

Early one Sunday morning, St. Peter is furious when he sees a monk slipping out of his monastery to have a quick round of golf. He is so enraged that he decides to let God know all about it, and wakes Him up.
"I'm sorry Lord, I know it's your day of rest, but I feel there is something you should see. One of your servants is about to have a game of golf!"
God looks over a rainbow, and, sure enough, there he is, teeing up, and taking a couple of practice swings to warm up.

"He will surely suffer for this wrongdoing - I shall punish him most severely!"
"Absolutely, Lord." Agrees Peter.

 

The monk steps forward and drives the ball an incredible 350 yards and lands his first hole in one. God smiles self-satisfied, while Peter scratches his head. He repeats it for the next seventeen holes, by which time the monk is running round going crazy.

"You're punishing him, Lord?"
"Absolutely."
"I don't understand." God Smiles.
"Peter, what day is it?"
"Sunday, of course."
"Peter, What time is it?"
"4.45a.m."
"Peter, how many people do you see walking their dogs?"
"None, Lord. It's too early."
"Peter, What should he be doing?"
"He should be in the monastery on Sunday"

God smiles and nods.
"One final thing - who can he tell, and who would believe him?! I'm going back to bed..."

[dspdrew]

 

You know you're in Florida in mid-summer when:

You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

 

I can do it with one knee.

[Alza]

what do you call an ant keeper who has game ? Alza's descendant 

 

What do you call a person who has every known and unknown species in california ? Dspdrew

 

What do you call a person who wants to catch every ant that Dspdrew has and remains loyal ? GREY 

[Gregory2455]

Yeah, I am loyal to this forum, and having the ants Drew has would be pretty cool. For anyone who doesn't know, Alza calls me Grey...

[Alza]

for anyone who does know i call him grey 

[dspdrew]

For anyone who doesn't know, Alza calls me Grey...

I was wondering who grey was.